vodka & tonic

(background info on my parents. they are mad. they don't believe in paracetamol. they rather you burned to death in a slow, painful death than allow you to take any kind of medication. also, they think they know best. Last time they looked after my daughter, she had a temperature, was really sick and floppy all day and because of their stupid ignorant attitudes, they directly disobeyed my instructions, and refused to give her paracetamol. I was FUMING. and i told them off. today, they were taking her off for the day again. She is much much better, but I worry that she might relapse. So I gave instructions which resulted in the following conversation....

me: "please PLEASE if she is feeling hot or just floppy or aything, JUST GIVE HER SOME PARACETAMOL!"

my dad: "yes OF COURSE WE WILL. Last time we didn't know if she was SICK so we didn't want to give her any"

me: "WHAT? YOU told ME to take her to the doctor, OF COURSE YOUR THOUGHT SHE WAS SICK and you SHOULD have given her the paracetamol! LIKE I TOLD YOU TO!!!"

my dad:"blah blah mumble mumble"

my mum: "we didn't want to give her.. we didn't know if.."

me: "YES YOU SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE I TOLD YOU TO"

my mum: "yes well, end of discussion"

me: "NO NOT END OF DISCUSSION. You didn't give her last time even though I TOLD YOU TO. AND TODAY YOU WILL IF SHE NEEDS IT. BECAUSE I AM TELLING YOU TO. "

my mum: "ja da ja da, we get it we will, leave it now."

me: "NO, I WON'T LEAVE IT. FROM NOW ON YOU WILL GIVEHER PARACETAMOL WHENEVER I TELL YOU TO REGARDLESS OF WHAT *YOU* THINK"


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ARGH!!!

my advice to you. If you have kids, don't tell your parents...

Yes with a title like that, you know what's coming...

I've just spent TOO MUCH TIME with my in laws. My own that is, not The Antagonist's. Compared to mine, they're a nice breeze on a hot summer's day. Mine are hot embers in hell. I was going to introduce them a little softly in this post, give you an idea of who they are, perhaps be fair on them, show they're not all bad, not all-controlling, manipulating beasts with no ability to be self-deprecating whatsoever. Then I realised they\re not worth it. I have given them the benefit of the doubt too many times already, too often we come to stay, so that THEY can see THEIR grand child, and too often do we leave what was supposed to be a holiday DESPERATELY needing another one.

Put simply, they are driving me MAD. And I don't mean that in a cute "oh, aren't my folks quirky?"-kind of way. OH NO! I mean that is a full-on "get me out of here!" kind of way!

I used to think I had quite a normal, balanced family. My father, a successful corporate, my mother juggled carreer and children, household and pets, and me and my sister were good at school, well behaved and too fucking cute. (aggression alert is on high, so excuse my un-called for swearing!). Now I realise that in fact what my family is, is highly controlled and constructed. My parents had an ideal of what they thought the "perfect family" was like, and that was how we were expected to behave. I took piano lessons, my sister played the flute. We were SO CLOSE KNIT you just wouldn't believe it. We did EVERYTHING together, in fact, I can't remember one occasion my parents went out for a meal without us. What I do remember, is them telling me thay never went out for meals without us. We never had baby sitters, they never had any time off, it was nuclear family all the way!

STOP I CAN'T BREATHE!!!!!

Now i have my own family. I have The Antagonist, I have the little Monster Child adn there is me, adult me. Adult me with needs, desires and wants. Who needs space. Who can't stay with her mother 24/7 - I AM A MOTHER NOW, I DON'T NEED ONE!! I wish they could understand that we don't want to PLAN every day down to the last minute. I don't need to fill my days with activities that can't be changed. I don't want to promise to come to dinner at a set time every day. NOr do I want to be invited, and so feel like i am disappointing anyone by turning them down. I don't want to be treated like a child, I am not a child. I am a woman, with my own child who needs me to be an adult and look after her. I can't be an adult when you're treating me like a child!!!

This is a very messy post. I can't go through it and sort it out. If I do, I'll start making excuses for them, I'll say how they MEAN well, how they only want the best for me, and how they want to see their grandchild all the time, and how I should appreciate everything they're doing for me. Except the days of excuses are over. The little bird has flown and unless a few things changes around here,. she won't ever want to come back.

One day my daughter will come home with her new man, her own children and her own family. I pray to a God I don't know exist that I will be reflexive about her need for space, that I will accept that she is no longer my little girl and that *I* am no longer *her family*. But for now I pray my mother and father will realise that and give me a break.

i think I am deleting this blog. I mean, who'd miss it right?

I've been staring at it for a good 5 minutes, willing it to change, but I think we can safely say there is no need to put all my plans on hold this month either.

thanks for the comment though, Red, it made my day!

Why do I feel so sad?

I think I have Acclimatized. I no longer feel like fainting when i get up too quickly, although I am feeling a bit whacked today. I think too many vodka's last night didn't help.

in fact, if I wasn't pretty damn sure i wasn't, I'd think I was pregnant. I have that weird feeling of being quite weak and just wanting to sleep. at strange times in the day. And i feel a bit low on energy. But of course I am not. I am on the pill and I only just had my period. I am not. I AM NOT. Please, God, I hope I am not. that would really be bad timing...

Gulp.

i am sweating whilst having a shower.

this is not good.

i need a cold drink.....

i am being stalked. Not in here, this is *still* a safe haven, although it is rather quiet at the moment, but it is here for moments like THIS and right now i need it.

Yes I am being stalked. Or followed might be a better word. Someone I know, who is obviously very bored, keeps following the links off my *other* blog, which has my blogroll for the people I usually read, and reading them too. I don't mind this, as of course they are not *my* blogs and everyeone can read any blog they like, but this person is like family, he is close to me, he is not a blogger and he keeps mailing me and this big group of friends I have on a mailing list about posts from the blogs i read. Does this make sense? He'll write to everyone saying "wow you 've got to read this!" knowing full well I have made a comment on that post, and hence it feels like my comments are no longer private. I know they aren't anyway, as all blogs are public and if i choose to bear my soul I do it knowing full well anyone can read it. But it still feels weird.. Cos now *all* my friends can read them. Which they wouldn't normally. And by sending these mails out, this person is also very clearly telling *ME* that he is reaing my comments. He is making it very clear indeed that he knows where I go, who I read and what I say. Does this make sense? Am i *allowed* to feel this way? Or am I overreacting???