vodka & tonic

The Antagonist doesn't like chocolate. He finds it sickly, and whenever I buy some (which to be fair is not very often) he pulls faces and makes fun of me.

The other day I surprised him in the kitchen with his mouth tightly shut - with a face much like our daughter's when she is caught doing something she's not supposed to or has just put something wrong in her mouth. I slid up towards him, and nicely enquired what he was eating. "nowting" he replied, rather mumbled. I put my arms around him and asked for a kiss, which is laughingly refused. When I actually slid my tongue into his tightly shut mouth, I relalised. The bastard's been eating my chocolates!

Never trust a Brummy..

Maybe I should introduce this menace I call The Antagonist. He is currently asleep on the sofa, so it's safe for me to talk about him now, he gets scared I say nasty things about him online... as if i would...

The Antagonist is my husband. He claims I fell in love with him at first sight, but the sad truth is I didn't even fancy him untill I really really *really* fancied him and no longer knew what to do with myself if I couldn't be with him. Bit tricky, as I had a boyfriend at the time. And unlike The Antagonist, The Boyfriend was nice. Really nice, in fact. His mother liked me, his father liked me, he liked me, our friends liked us, oh god, it was too sweet to be true, and of course I wanted out. Desperately. Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to leave relationships untill it is way over time and we've got ourself so integrated into each others lives that breaking up becomes really hard, really traumatic and really fucking painful.

But that's all in The Past.

And now we're in The Present.
After almost three years of love, hate and great sex, I married The Antagonist last summer. Our daughter was a year old and I guess he decided it was high time to make an honest woman of me. He is a romantic at heart, really, but he hides it from everyone. I think I am the only one who's ever seen beneath his hard exterior and who can see the fluff that is hidden underneath. He is too clever by half, which is sometimes irritating, but mostly stimulating and sexy, he loves a good argument, hence his name...

of course I forgot to change the clocks today, and consequently missed the supermarket...

yesterday an old *friend* came down to visit. I've not seen her for nearly two years. We were never that close, but as one of the few people that was there at the beginning of my relationship with The Antagonist, I invited her, and her partner, to our wedding. She accepted. He declined. Fair enough.

The night before the wedding, I received a text message saying she couldn't make it. No explanation, no apology, just "sorry, I've been held up in London". You bitch I thought. Then I asked an old friend to fill the gap around the table, and I thought no more of it..

About a month ago, probably about 7 months after the wedding, she contacts me. This is her first sign of life since she stood me up and reading her mail was rather sickly. She was really sorry, and more so because she'd not apologised, not been in touch, and - most inportantly - not sent our wedding present. I did my polite reply, no worries blah blah, and The Antagonist murmured from the sofa "I bet you she wants to come down and visit! Why else would she be in touch with you so suddenly, out of the lue?"

I hate it when he's right.

I've been recommended to see a therapist by many people I've met. My ex-boyfriend thought "perhaps I should talk to someone about that" (yada yada) and a mate I have told me that seeing her therapist is her biggest form for self-indulgence and she does it purely to treat herself. One our of speaking about herself guaranteed once a month, I guess for some that is quite a relief. I am not sure, however, what it is about me that makes people recommend it to me. Do i have a "I NEED HELP!" sign printed on my forehead? am I sending out "desperately in need of talking" without knowing it??

I suggested to The Antagonist that maybe I should see someone - I've had a lot on my plate after all, and with my family background anyone could be in need of a little help. Unlike my previous partners, however, The Antagonist went spare. "Did I know anything about seeing psychologists?" "Did I know how they work?" "Did I have any idea that much less than curing me, they were likely to make me actually sick!?"

Two days later, a new copy of Anti-Oedipus by Deleuze and Guattari made it's way to my bedside table with the inscription. "you're not ill, my darling, you're just you".

I guess that's nice....

Hopefully nobody I know will find this.

If they do, they might be offended. This is where I intend to write exactly how I feel about everyone, no censorship, no little miss nice, no protecting people's feelings.

(the fact that I am terrified of saying what I really feel most of the time, might be a problem, but then again maybe not. If no one knows, then noone will read, and hence it won't be a problem to talk) (I am a pea brain and that is pea brain logic)

I'll introduce myself shortly, in the meantime, watch out for the changing template, I am quite nerdy when it comes to fiddling with the layout... hehe...